When it hits...

So I was out driving tonight, listening to Coldplay's new album, when this suped-up sportsmachine pulled up next to me. The music was blaring, the guy was rockin' and the engine was rarin' to show me what it was made of. No sooner had the light turned green, than the guy was 100 yards up the street. "Jeez, that guy is in a hurry to get somewhere."

Another red light slowed his progress to heaven knows where he was off to. {GREEN} Once again, bat straight outta hell tearing up the street. The maroon jet on wheels was weaving in and out of traffic, with no regard for the 35 MPH speed limit at all. The awesome thing about this was, I was goin' the speed limit...no need to hurry, and yet this guy wasn't that far ahead of me.

Hey, he is turning the same place I am...I wonder. The guy damn-near took the turn on two wheels, and then a quick/sharp right. Nah, could he be? Did the store have a sale that I was unaware of that caused people to race to it? Then I saw where he was going, and I started to laugh. He tore through that parking lot going at least 30, and I thought, "Well, I know what that feels like. Sometimes you just can't wait to sink your teeth into that wicked-awesome Big Mac."

When that feeling strikes, get the hell out of the way!

The 2007 ~ 2008 NBA Finals...Hooray!

I think I'll just watch re-runs of The Gilmore Girls. I need to clarify that this post is not the rantings of a jaded Utah Jazz fan, because I know the Jazz layed an egg against the Lakers, but since the "All-Star"...scratch that..."Most Popular Players Game," all we seemed to hear was how exciting it would be to see a Lakers/Celtics finals match-up. I really have to thank the league for whisking us back to 1987. Really this has been a dream of mine ever since I was a kid. Oh how I have wanted to see the Lakers and the Celtics play again for the championship. I cannot wait to watch Kobe square up against "The Big Three"...oh I get the goosebumps just thinking about how freaking awesome it is that these storied teams are right back where they need...no wait...deserve to be. So here is to the next five years of watching Kevin Garnett thump his chest, Ray Allen mug for the cover of S.I., Paul Pierce and Kobe Bryant duke it out to see who can pop their jersey more often, seeing that fugly tat on Luke Walton's pasty white arm, Phil Jackson sitting smugly on the bench, Doc Rivers wondering how the hell he got so lucky to have this team land in his lap (you suck Doc, and you know it...I can run down a dozen coaches who are better than you are, Jerry, Flip, Byron, Donny, either of the Van Gundy boys...catch my drift Doc?)

So thank you Mr. Stern for creating a finals that people are actually going to care about. Since we have been magically travelled through time, let me share with everyone what happened in your office at the culmination of last years finals...

Stern: "Well Gentlemen, it looks like nobody really wanted to see Timmy take on our favorite child Lebron...I just don't get it. What do these fans want. I don't hear the chants of 'I Love This Game!' peeling from the arenas anymore. Gosh darnit!"

Some A-Hole: "I hear ya commish, it was a really boring series. Maybe we can get Tim Donaghy and the boys to..."

Stern: "Quiet you! Donaghy was nicked remember? But I do like where your head is at...the others, yes the others....my beloved NBA officials...My Precious."

Another DB: "Uh, Dave...you're doing it again...."

Stern: "AHHHH, I needs it, we wants it...the Lakerses and Celticeseseses...think of the moneyeses, the paradeses...make the call, make it happen."

Some other MoFo: "So it is written, so let it be done."

Your Author: " I think I'm gonna barf."

Of Pine Trees and Taxi Cabs

So last year, I was in Madison, Wisconsin for business and upon unpacking in my hotel room, I realized that I had forgotten my deodorant. No problem, I thought, I'll just swing by a store and pick one up. No big deal. So I was off to visit a school and do a little logistical planning.

I came up to a small local grocer and figured that I might as well grab it while I was thinking of it. $1.53??? OK, I'll bite. So off I went back to Middleton to grab some dinner at what was to become one of my favorite dining establishments, Quaker Steak & Lube. (If you have one near, count your blessings.)

About a week or so ago, I was running late to work running from the shower to the bedroom to change, I grabbed this stick of deodorant. After applying liberally, Iwent to give my loving wife a hug and kiss goodbye. As I gave her a peck on the forehead, I could hear her sniffing my shirt. I looked at her and asked what she was doing. She had a look on her face that screamed repulsion. It was like I smeared a dead skunk all over me for crap's sake. She simply asked, "What the freak deodorant did you put on this morning?" That green one I bou..." she then cut me off and said stiffling a sneeze, "You smell like a freaking New York Taxi-Cab..." I stood there, arms still outstretched at a loss for words.

Seriously dear, it took you 5 months to tell me this??? So to all my co-workers/friends/family, I apologize sincerely for subjecting you to that.

Now that will be $55.00.

Taser, Taser, Taser

So a couple of weeks ago, I got back into the office from lunch when I see a group of my coworkers watching a video. It was a video of a ton of people getting tasered. Honestly, it is horrific and it looks like it hurts like hell, but who doesn't like to see peopl get sizzled? So I poked my head in and watched the carnage unfurl. A couple of people into it, I saw a familiar face anxiously waiting for the pain to ensue. There he was, my uncle getting shot in the back with 1.21 Gigawatts...well not really, but I couldn't resist. I emailed him that I saw the video and that I appreciated the video. He replied with a few simple words..."Let me know when you want to do it, and I'll arrange it." Enjoy!

I Love The Daily Show

I Have to thank Conroy for this awesome video. I got some serious food poisoning on Tuesday night and my Wednesday was well...awful. I salute you for passing along this video, and needless to say, it brightened up my day a little...well actually a whole lot. Hippies!!!

Are You *BLEEP*ing Kidding Me?

Ok, so I was filling up my car with gas the other night, and the mood caught me right that I needed a nice cold beverage. It was about 9:30 and I went in and got myself a nice 32 oz. Dr. Pepper/Coca~Cola mix, or as I call it 'Black Gold.' Anywho, there is a middle-aged woman ahead of me buying a small drink and a pack of gum. The cashier beep-beeped it and the total was $1.83. Meanwhile, here I am sip-sipping my delicious beverage...you don't want to have your drink to be half gone by the time you leave! Am I right? So this lady proceeds to pull out her check book.................................................................................. Umm.......................really? Are you serious? I knew she wasn't buying gas, or anything else for that matter, just a small drink and a pack of Juicy Fruit.

So she begins to fill out the check, and I swear she must have been writing in hieroglyphics, because no normal person takes 3 minutes to write a damn check! I just sat there like a deer in the headlights...straw in mouth, but nothing going. Was I really seeing this? Surely this can't be happening. A check for $1.83. I just wanted to shoot myself. So I thought I would make the best of the situation and walked back to the soda fountain and topped off my drink with a little Pepsi. Now that I was rocking the "Holy Trinity," all would be ok. Nope, crazy lady began to balance her checkbook at the register. Was I invisible? I just inched my way to the register, uttered those magical words, "New cup,"..."$1.06."...kaching! I'm out. The lady was still balancing her checkbook when I left.

Ok, I understand the need for a checkbook, and at times, it is the best way to pay for things. But to buy a small drink and a 5-piece Juicy Fruit? Are you *BLEEP*ing Kidding Me?

It's called a Debit Card...

"Check" into it!

Oh Hell No!

So I jumped on the old internet this evening to check my email, MySpace, Facebook and YouTube and a few other selected sites before I dove into cleaning the dishes. So I enjoyed watching the Jazz kick the living piss out of the "Pesky Timberwolves" last night and show that it was a fluke that Minnesota beat them a week ago. So I thought surely the NBA should have a couple highlights from the game on their daily Top 10...but then I realized that we are living in the age of Lebron...good grief. I am not taking anything away from the guy, he a talent and then some, but do the networks have to show every little thing he does? I swear I saw it on Sportscenter where they had highlights of Lebron tying his shoes...all I have to say is WTF is up with that? Wow, I know I threw a WTF in there, but I have a lot of venom right now that I need to spew.

Breaking News!!! Tonights Number 1 play of the day, Lebron is introduced in the starting lineup! or...Lebron James attempts a bluedart driving to the hoop...I say huh?! C'mon, show me something else besides Lebron abusing some poor sap who makes it on Sportscenter only when he guards Lebron...{click} New Poster, hey sweet, right up there on the wall with my 1 billion other Lebron posters. Can't I get a Mark Madsen poster anywhere? C'mon people, he at least has thechampionship hardware, and can we forget his wicked dance moves at the Laker (ugh) rally parade? White men can jump, but no dancy for Mr. Madsen.

So anyways, I'm watching the top 10 plays, and all of a sudden a Hardee's ad pops up, on the actual video!!!!! Yet again...WTF??!??!?? Since when are my YouTube vids inundated with ads? Is nothin sacred anymore?

Damn The Man!